The Hawk Lemon

Gradeschoolers abusing bathroom privileges

2006-02-20T09:18:00.000-06:00

NEWARK, NJ -- Just three weeks ago, second-grade teacher Laura Hamill's voice was bright. But today, Mrs. Hamill's has lines of sleeplessness around her eyes, and once-cheery voice carries a new tone: worry. Just when she seems to be breaking out of the trance of concern, a small voice peeps up. "Can I use the bathroom?"

The worry begins anew.

"Students are simply abusing their bathroom privileges," said Hamill, the distress apparent in her voice. "I have tried to nip this problem at the bud, but it has snowballed into something that I just can't control."

Yet another student raises his
hand to use the restroom.

Just last Thursday, seventeen of her twenty students asked to use the bathroom during the same class day, three of them at the same time.

"I could understand if some of them needed a drink, or if some of them had to go to the nurse, but seventeen? I'm beginning to doubt my ability to control these kids."

Despite the alarming amount of students visiting the restroom, what worries Hamill the most is the potential for more far-reaching consequences.

"First, it's the bathroom, the next day, we're not using our indoor voices. Quiet reading raises to a dull roar. Silent story time becomes only quiet. You start to notices these things when something like this happens, and it makes you doubt your ability as a teacher."

Hamill says that she doesn't like to speculate what could be behind this new trend, but it's clear that it's on her mind.

"It could be that they're using the bathroom for social time. Or it could be that they're playing a game like pogs. Oh god, I hope it's not pogs."

Krap On TV Saves The Day

2005-12-11T10:45:00.000-06:00

The Untold Heroic Story
By: Eric "Push It To The Limit" T... Tgen... Tgenstrum?

Camera, action, remove lens cap, and hilarity follows. That’s pretty much Krap on TV. It’s a very high budget TV show, and by high budget, I mean lowest budget possible. But the impact it has made on me is too high to calculate. It has been a great tool for me to bond with my friends and express ideas that I have for skits that help me progress as a writer and an actor. So in a way Krap on TV saved my life, from boredom.

The comedic genius of it all began when my friend Sam and I were making fun of skateboarders or well, more so “posers.” We started “tearing up the streets” off camera and started telling our friends about it and they wanted to see some of our “mad skills”. And thus the camera came to be one of the best tools for telling jokes since the invention of the pie in the face. The darkest chapter for Krap on TV came the fall after it began; for a rival force known as Jackass emerged. After Jackass came to be, I soon lost my cofounder, Sam, and I was left on the streets with no companion.

A hole formed in my heart, and I needed to find a way to mend it. Sam had left me out on the cold damp streets struggling to survive on my own. Boredom had gotten to me, and I was desperately searching for something to do. I needed help, for my pride would not let the idea that Sam and I had created die. But it was fading fast, as fast as an ice cream melts on a hot summer day. I quickly turned to digging for gold in my nose, but that didn’t accomplish anything but a bad habit that was rather disgusting. The taste was indescribably bad. It made my breath smell like a mixture of garlic and fish, and the squishy sound that echoed through a silent classroom let everyone know of my bad habit. But then, two heroic men came and saved me from my deepest despair of boredom. One man was the best physical comedian in the world, that’s right, better than even Chris Farley. That man was Cummings, David Cummings. A strapping young lad who’s as good with the ladies as a baby is with a screwdriver. The other man was the best insulter this world has seen since Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. A man who’s appearance on Krap on TV showed the male population how not to wear their hair. That man’s name was Rob Carson. Together we make the best three-man team since the Three Musketeers. Being the musketeers that we are, we bring in comedic justice to all those who are being harmed by the evildoer known as boredom. Together, we three brought Krap on TV to the unknown popularity that it is today, a popularity so high that only known TV shows can top it.

METAPOST: We'll bury your hatchet!

2005-12-06T19:02:00.000-06:00

On behalf of myself, I'd like to welcome me, as well as the rest of the Hawk Lemon staff, back from a disgustingly long hiatus that put our good name to shame. As the editor-in-chief, I feel particularly guilty for not posting in approximately 61727159534 years.

So. What's in the works for the Hawk Lemon, you ask? Don't lie, I heard you.

First, we'll be returning with reasonably regularly-updated content fairly soon. We can't prove that we're better than the "real" school paper if we don't put out any work.

Second, we're accepting submissions from new authors. Contact the editor-in-chief (i.e. me) with a sample of your writing. If we like what we see, you'll be given the opportunity to write articles. Unlike the Herald, however, we insist on quality spelling and grammar. If you need help, or want a peer review (preferably before you post your article), you'll be able to contact Andrew or me for editing.

Third, you may have noticed my quote in a recent Herald article that incoherently discussed complaints about... the Herald. (The article, by the way, simultaneously covered and exemplified common complaints. Ironic, no?) What I said stands, not only as my opinion, but as an offer extended to all Hawk Herald writers: If you think your articles/ideas have been censored due to unfair restrictions, contact a Hawk Lemon editor. If the editorial board determines your work to be of sufficient quality, we'll be more than happy to publish it, because Fighting The Power is our middle name. (Our parents were hippies.)

Finally, after consultation with our legal department, this paragraph has been removed. It's strictly parody and satire for us.

And that, my friends, is how we roll. Just in case you missed it before: INTERESTEED AUTHORS, TALK TO ANDREW HART OR ROB CARSON AT SCHOOL.

The Legend of Sorro

2005-11-21T20:10:00.000-06:00

The Untold Story

Reported by: Jegarry II

All know the legend of Zorro, but what most people don’t know is the legend of Zorro’s twin brother, Sorro! Unlike his tall, smooth talking brother, Sorro is rather short and well, not very good with the ladies. Sorro allowed me to follow him around and observe him for a day, so come follow me on this magical journey as we find out what it is like to be Sorro!

San Francisco (Sorro’s real name) walked down the steps of the inn he spent the night in when he heard the local watermelon seller yell, “Hoochie Mamma!” San Francisco turned back around and sprinted up the stairs he had begun to walk down. When he reached his room, he quickly put on his black suit, hat, mask and his signature red cape and oversized sword. Sorro then jumped out his window and landed on his trusty white horse, Rockford. Sorro and Rockford then gallaped off down the alley to see Jimmy Melon.

Jimmy informed Sorro that Miss Maria’s cat Borus was stuck in a tree. Borus is needless to say a big cat. Sorro asked how a hundred pound cat got stuck in the tree, and Jimmy couldn’t give him an answer. Without an answer Sorro took off with Rockford to go save the day.

When Sorro and Rockford reached the scene, they say Borus stuck helplessly five feet into the air. Sorro thinking fast unsheathed his five-foot long sword and cut the tree in half. The tree toppled backwards and it looked like little Borus would fall into the inconveniently placed well. But Sorro dove into the air and saved Borus. Maria then ran over and thanked Sorro with a kiss on the cheek. Sorro being the ladies man that he is, fainted and fell into the well, knocking little Timmy unconscious who was stuck in there.

I don’t know what happened to Zorro after that, as I became hungry and looked for some food. I went to the local Burger stand, got a burger and a Pepsi, caught part of the bullfight, found a cockfight and had a wonderful rest of the day. After this reporter’s experiences with San Francisco, he has concluded that it certainly is great to be Sorro!

What This Country Needs is More Bush...Jeb Bush!

2005-11-16T21:19:00.000-06:00

By Stanley P. Conservative III

When I watch Fox News (clearly the best choice for news) and I see a segment about the 2008 Presidential election (slow news week yes…) and they are discussing possible choices for Republican Candidates. And I see one general theme:

Pussies.

John McCain, he’s no Luke Skywalker. Rudy Giuliani he hates hobos, and everyone knows that hobos lean conservative. Am I right? Or Am Right? The correct answer is the second right.

But you may be thinking “But WHO?! Mr. Stanley P. Conservative III?! THEN WHO?!”
The correct answer is Jeb Bush, greatest governor of Florida since….well he’s just the greatest ever. As popular as the first two Bush White Houses were, the 3rd would be off the popularity charts! Which is actually 102% approval rating (Dead republican fundraisers, dogs and cats can vote too). Remember nothing bodes well for America when a Bush governor becomes president. Certainly the first Governor turned President would only half as sweet as the second Bush governor turned President.

Chew on this sweet tobacco, with a Jeb Bush White House and a second term in 2012, 6 out of the last 8 administrations will have had a Bush in the White House. Now that’s every Neo-Cons wet dream, including me. OOOOOOOHHHHH! YEA! YES!!!!!

Also you may be thinking Jeb Bush, isn’t he the governor of the state the God tried to kill off with an insane amount of hurricanes?! Well that’s because God was testing Jeb, to see who he wanted to vote for.

And I just wanted to say, one thing about the Wrong party, or “Democrats” as some call them. It seems their leading choice is Hilary Clinton

Hilary Clinton!? She’s one of the most Liberal senators in the senate. And you know what liberals do, eat your babies. That’s what Bill O’Rielly says in his new book “The O’Reilly Factor for Kids”, its in there, just look hard enough.

Well that is what I, Stanley P. Conservative III thinks what this country needs.

Horomoscopes horomoscopes!

2005-11-15T16:13:00.000-06:00

Librorpistaricornus
Your really hungry today, skip third block and go to all four lunches. Don't get the cheeseburgers with cheese, they're poisoned.

Piscariaurini
Today will start out shitty and get progressively worse. Avoid bullets; they're your main weakness.

Virgleoncer
Boredom seems to occur more frequently, so buy a Dance and Shout Elmo for amusement. Your lucky number is i.

DECA member once again ruins party

2005-11-10T00:12:00.000-06:00

MINI METAPOST: Big shout out to the CHS Podcast, whose co-hosts, Matt Petty and Shawn Woodland, invited me to come on their show and read this article. Here's a nice linky-linky for them: CHS Podcast.

Now for the article...

Friends of Danica Walters (11) expressed concern for her social future Thursday, when the junior member of DECA once again totally ruined a social event. Courtney Griffin (11), who has known Walters since the first grade, said that this wasn't the first time that DECA has interfered with their friendship.

“Yeah, it happens a lot,” said Griffin. “We'll all be like, 'Let's have a simple little party on the weekend,' but that's when Danica's DECA instincts kick in.”

Griffin and co-friend Melanie Schlesinger described Walter's DECA-influenced planning as “guttural” and “scary.”

“When she goes into all-out planning mode, watch out. She's throwing things, budgeting all over the kitchen table, and even manically tying and untying her necktie. It's ridiculous,” said Schlesinger.

“I recall a time when [Danica] was a fun, outgoing friend. We could chill in my basement without charging admission, requiring formal dress attire, or talking about effective business presentations. And those damn sunglasses. She seriously never takes them off.”

If Walters's friends were put off by her prior DECA-induced actions, Thursday was the last straw for many of them.

“She showed up at my house three hours before I even got home from school,” said Griffin. “By the time I got home, my house was filled with nattily-attired, sunglasses-wearing freaks on walkie-talkies. There were turnstiles in my front door and a guy selling tickets out of my den window. They turned my kitchen into a cookie-baking factory and were charging vending fees on stuff in the fridge. And they wouldn't even let me, the owner of the freaking house, get anything for free!”

Griffin says that she's especially furious about Walters's rampant profiteering from the event.

“Not only did she charge me admission into my bedroom and force me to buy back my bedding, clothing, and music, but she repossessed my dog when I deferred on payments. I'm beginning to think that our friendship is in trouble.”

Advanced Writing Seminar class goes "bonkers"

2005-11-02T10:35:00.000-06:00

A well-known CHS teacher speaking on the condition of anonymity described the scene as "insane." Since fourth block Tuesday, rumors have circulated throughout the school about an Advanced Writing Seminar class that went horribly wrong.

"Yeah, I heard about it," said Junior Megan Schlieman. "I'm not in AWS, but fourth block gets pretty rowdy sometimes, even in Ceramics class."

According to the anonymous teacher, things did not start auspiciously.

"I tried to calm everyone down, using various shushing and quieting techniques, but they kept talking at the beginning of the block. I had to resort to a loud whistling noise followed by raising my voice. That got their attention for a few minutes."

But the class quickly spiraled out of control.

"I told them that it was 'quiet work time' and to keep it to a dull roar while I went to make some copies," said the anonymous teacher. "By the time I got halfway back to the room, I could hear them already."

The teacher said that she burst into the room yelling, "Quiet please. Quiet work time please!" But no one took heed.

"It was like everyone went completely bonkers," said the teacher. "I even tried comparing them to my sophomore class, with no luck. No amount of class pride was going to get those hooligans to stop their personal conversations."

Although the class was still in session for another 2 minutes, 45 seconds, the class did not quiet down or even simmer.

"I asked, 'Can we please simmer down?'" said the teacher. "One student said no, and went back to his conversation. That was very rude of him."

Although the teacher railed her students unsuccessfully about their "poor work habits," she hopes that Monday will be different.

"I am not going to even let them get to a dull roar Monday. Maybe a medium roar."

Jared's World: Halloween

2005-10-31T18:15:00.000-06:00

Me in class,
looking rough.

Hi everyone. My name is Jared Crumpler. The good people at the Hawk Lemon decided that the paper needed more "student life" segments, so this will be my column for ranting about things that the average student at Chaska High School would want to rant about. Welcome to Jared's World.

This is my first column, so I'm feeling a little nervous. But what I'm going to rant about is Halloween. What is up with this holiday? It used to be so cool and I'd look forward to it when I was little. But now it's like, boring. There's this obsessive urge to go to parties and stuff, but it's all just stupid crap. And now that I have a job, it's not like free candy is that exciting.

And while we're talking about Halloween, what about Thanksgiving? Seriously, that is the LAMEST holiday ever. It's about as lame as Flag Day or something, except Flag Day is in June or some crappy month and no one cares about June. But November is just about as crappy as June. No snow, but it's cold out. How worthless is that? And then I have to drive all the way to middle-of-the-freakin'-nowhere Dubuque Iowa to see my Grandparents for Thanksgiving, and don't even get any free crap out of it except a crappy family dinner? Seriously, I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

And don't get me started about the food in our school's cafeteria. It sucks! Pizza is the only good thing, and they somehow messed that up too. If the school made hot chocolate, it would probably just be chocolate and hot water, that's how messed up they are. Like, the other day, I got chicken nuggets, and was putting the mashed potatoes (which I'm allergic to if you remember) into a section of the tray with my leftover ketchup and the last third of my milk. And I swear to god, on the last chicken nugget, there was a greenish spot underneath the breading. It was so gross!

Speaking of gross, you know what else pisses me off? Gross tonnage. Couldn't they come up with a better word for it? It's just a stupid word, and it makes me think of disgusting things every time I hear it. It's so dumb how everyone just uses it like it's not the same word as the gross they use for disgusting things, even though everyone knows that it is. God, people are such retards.

Well, that's all the ranting I have for today. Adios bitches!

Horoscopes

2005-10-30T20:45:00.000-06:00

After many days of careful research, the past weeks horoscopes (Oct. 23rd - 29th) have been fixed again.

The reason for the delay: When the Hawk Herald printed the horoscopes, I took a quick glance at them and thought they were correct, but when I looked closer, I realized that they were wrong, and that the two hooligans that printed them were lying, AGAIN!

Virgo:
Money is tight this month due to the prices you’ve had to pay for crack. Instead of the “trip” you have planned for all year, you’ll be working the corner.

Libra:
It’s time to think ahead for your upcoming murder. It won’t be long before you have little people knocking on your door wanting candy. Load as many kids in your trunk as possible and go to the bank to cash your check.

Scorpio:
You’ve been feeling sluggish in bed. Be creative and make some new positions and show all the people that you meet. They should be thrilled considering you aren’t asking them to spend any money.

Sagittarius:
You are anxious to get a jump on your lover and ready to release all that pent up energy you’ve been waiting to burn off. When you are ready to climax a few times, climb up a tree. Why? Because the Bloodhound Gang told you so.

Capricorn:
This can be a confusing month for you and you’ll tend to be forgetful. Remember to put icy-hot on your groin to relieve yourself from the aftereffects of all the sex you had last week, or you’ll be in terrible pain.

Aquarius:
You will win second prize in a beauty contest, and collect $15

Pisces:
Romance is in your future because your online singles ad has worked. Your stalker will find you soon.

Aries:
You’ve been feeling left out lately and need some extra attention. To gain attention, try interacting with people.

Taurus:
The Leos’ kitty pirates and penguin pirates will kill you.

Gemini:
You may find that your hair will light on fire rather easily this month. That’s because you stuck it in the fireplace.

Leo:
Your kitty pirates and penguin pirates are ready for action; the world shall be yours.

High School Drunkenness

2005-10-26T14:54:00.000-05:00

Dead Horse Found "Surprisingly Beatable"

...just kidding.

Poll: Article topics

2005-10-26T14:47:00.000-05:00

The Hawk Lemon asked: Do you think that the Hawk Lemon runs too many stories on high school drinking?

6% - yes
35% - no
59% - were comatose

School intercom hijacked; Seymour Butts irked by false alarm

2005-10-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

To most students, the intercom is a source of annoyance. But to some, according to Seymour Butts (11), it’s a source of sick pleasure. On Tuesday, upon hearing his name called to the main office, he thought he would be learning the whereabouts of his retainer (lost last week in Blue House). Butts walked from Purple to the main office only to have his surging hopes crushed. Once he entered the office the secretary said they never called for him. She told him students had found a way to illegally use the intercom.

“I wish those criminals were dead,” Butts responded. The secretary gave him an odd look, and told him to try looking for his retainer in the lost and found. He found only a mouthpiece from a football player then trudged back to class.

Butts later commented, “I wish that my name was Gaylord. That’s an awesome name. If that was my name, no one would ever make fun of me again.”

News In Brief

2005-10-24T11:03:00.000-05:00

Right-wing hawk defecates on Sen. Richard Gephardt

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI - A right-wing hawk unloaded a runny stool on Democratic Senator Richard Gephardt Wednesday. The Senator was in St. Louis speaking at an animal charity when the disturbance occured. Senator Gephardt was speaking at a local raptor center. Halfway through his speech, Bruno, an 11-month old redtail hawk with an amputated left wing, shifted in his comfortable perch above Gephardt's left arm. The senator was soiled before aides could intervene.

Your mom goes to college

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA - Researches at social thinktank Hoover Institute today announced results of a new study aimed at proving the emerging social trend that, "Your mom goes to college." The study confirmed that indeed, your mother does go to an institute of higher learning, much as characters in the popular movie "Napoleon Dynamite" seem to suggest. "We found that, in general, your mom goes to college," said Hoover Institute president James McPhersson. "It may be an actual college, it may be a university, it may even be a technical institution, or National American University. Either way, your mom goes to college."

2+2 = 4

Seriously, it does. Don't believe me? Check this out.

Hick decries Ford

2005-10-24T10:52:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday, in an exclusive interview with the Hawk Lemon, local hick Jed Cloquist, a senior, gave an extremely poor review of the Ford Motor Company and its products.

When asked his opinion on Ford trucks, Cloquist immediately yelled, "Ford trucks? More like Gay Trucks!"

A debate has raged for years in the redneck community about the superiority of various brands of truck. Chevrolet, a division of General Motors, has gained a large following, evidently including Mr. Cloquist. Ford Motor Company, however, which also produces such non-hick automobile brands as Jaguar, Volvo, and Aston Martin, has earned Cloquist's ire.

Said Cloquist, "Man, t'other night, I was out drivin' home from my buddy's house drunk, when my old F-250 done slammed into a tree. Sumbitch done broke in half lengthwise. Let me tell you, I was done with Ford from then on."

Cloquist has recently purchased a new Chevrolet Silverado, which he noted is "way better" than "that gay-ass Ford crap".

He added, "I drove home drunk three, maybe four times since then and the truck hasn't even been scratched."

Weekend Horoscopes

2005-10-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

Librorpiotaricornius (Sep. 23 - Feb. 18):
If your lover isn't happy, you're not having enough sex.

Piscariaurini (Feb. 19 - Jun. 21):
It's a good time for a gynecological or prostate exam.

Virgleoncer (Jun. 22 - Sep. 22):
No matter how bad you want to, you shouldn't lick your groin in public.

[On an unrelated note, one horoscope journalist slams their head into a wall because blogger decided to randomly not post this on the site. And if this double posts, they will drive their car off a cliff]

Administrators uneasy with Redneck Culture Club

2005-10-19T01:05:00.001-05:00

School administrators have become increasingly uneasy with a student-led plan to create a Redneck Culture Club at Chaska High School. The club, spearheaded by CHS student and Carver resident Terry Reimersma (12), is pending approval from the administration.

However, school administrators aren't keen on the new club, which is set to meet in the metalshop room during second block options.

"I have my reservations about it, yes," said CHS principal James Miller. "I'm already the laughingstock of the Lake Conference because I lead such a hickish school, and I don't want it to get worse."

Miller stressed that the values emphasized in Redneck Culture Club aren't compatible with school policy.

"Getting drunk every night, operating cars, snowmobiles, ATVs, and heavy equipment while under the influence, and harboring racially intolerant views isn't what this school is about," said Miller.

But Reimersma sees it differently.

"Listen, Redneck Culture Club isn't just about high-proof alcohol, anything with engines on it, and making fun of minorities. It's about friendship, camaraderie, and life lessons," he stated.

But Reimersma's facade soon broke down.

"Ah, who am I freakin' kidding," Reimersma said. "Tonight we're going to get tanked, take my muffler off, and go cruising for Asians to make fun of!"

Internet unfiltered for five hours as Websense blocked by itself

2005-10-19T01:05:00.000-05:00

Media Center sources today confirmed that Chaska High School students were able to surf the internet unrestricted for approximately five hours yesterday. The lapse in internet decency began when WebSense began to block itself halfway through first block.

"We were trying to update our Websense categories to filter more potentially offensive sites. Instead of enabling the category 'Mildly offensive fish reproduction sites,' we must have accidentally enabled the 'WebSense' blocking category," said media specialist Marc Sagmoen.

Students viewing previously blocked sites observed a quick flicker on the screen before the restricted site appeared. Media specialists note that this screen flicker was actually the "Blocked by WebSense" screen blocking itself before forwarding to the previously blocked site.

Sagmoen noted that any student who would have happened to hit the 'Stop' button on their browser during that screen flicker would have seen this message:

Despite the long lapse in internet decency, Sagmoen hopes that the experience will teach his staff a valuable lesson.

"Instead of blocking mildly offensive fish reproduction sites such as www.salmonspawncam.com, we unleashed the vast, scary interent on young, impressionable minds. This is simply unacceptable."

But some students enjoyed their brief free reign over the internet.

"I was finally able to get some unfettered research in," said Brittney McClure (11). "Today, during worktime in Marine Biology, all the sites I needed for my project on grouper mating habits were blocked."

Horoscopes (extended edition)

2005-10-17T19:44:00.000-05:00

We've noticed that the Hawk Herald has printed dangerously incorrect horoscopes. We're here with the corrections.

Libra:
Your birthday is right around the corner... or not; who cares? You're a test-tube baby anyway.

Scorpio:
Cash is on your mind today, so get out there and sell yourself, you whore.

Sagittarius:
You might want to record your dreams, because that's what we're doing in Mythology.

Capricorn:
You don't have to be neutral and keep your views to yourself this weekend; go ahead and piss off everyone!

Aquarius:
This weekend will be a great time for you because it's uber long... like my penis.

Pisces:
See Leo

Aries:
You've got lots of bombs that would blow your teachers and parents right out of the water.

Taurus:
A guy or girl at school might be having sex on your bed.

Gemini:
Go talk to the paint drying on your bathroom wall, it's as intelligent as you are.

Cancer:
You've got a huge pile of stuff to do, but you can just burn it, burn it all!

Leo:
You've got the kind of personality that makes your legs easy to spread.

Virgo:
For once your life is going just how you planned; soon the world will be yours.

News In Brief

2005-10-14T00:56:00.000-05:00

Anything from school's fryer is 99% human hair
A local health board study confirmed what students at CHS long feared: Anything from the grill line's fryer, such as cheese curds, jalapeno poppers, or chicken tenders, is composed of 99% human hair. "Students shouldn't be concerned," said Taher Food spokeswoman Bethany Friedman. "The health board concluded that our human hair quota fell well within the average range for nearby high schools." Students are unsure how to react. "I just hope it's head hair," said junior Morgan Jenson.

Carver man run over by cow
Friends described James Pickenauer as "totally wasted" last Tuesday night, when the 26-year-old Carver resident walked home from one of Carver's 87 bars. Pickenauer quickly got lost, wandering onto a dairy farm. Police crash reenactors are unsure of the exact sequence of events, but it appears that Pickenauer was leveled by a slow-moving cow at around 1:30 AM. He was hospitalized with serious internal bleeding and a collapsed lung at Fairview Hospital in Waconia, where he is now listed in stable condition. Police say that it is "unlikely" that the cow will be charged in connection with the crash.

Grandfather says "Back in my day" five times in one sentence
Local grandfather Thom McFlackenson uncorked a ridiculous sentence on twelve-year-old granddaughter Lisa Johnson Tuesday. McFlackenson used the ubiquitous old-person phrase "Back in my day" five times in the same sentence. According to Johnson, McFlackenson was talking about his boyhood farm when he uttered the now-infamous line, "Back in my day, we used to have a farm back in my day, which back in my day had lots of pigs and back in my day, we'd have to feed those pigs every day back in my day."

GlaxoSmithKline to make Nicorette gum even more Cigarettalicious
Armed with alarming reports that rival gum Nicoderm CQ is twice as popular with the younger segment of people trying to quit smoking, GlaxoSmithKline announced Monday that it will begin running Nicorette ads on popular children's networks. The ads, which will run on Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and Disney Channel, feature a cartoon rabbit. The ads open with the line, "Now Nicorette gum is even more Cigarettalicious!" The rabbit, an avid smoker who requires a heavy oxygen tank and breathes through a tracheal hole, coughs and wheezes as he tries to overtake, but is easily outrun by children with the Nicorette gum. The commercials conclude with the tagline, "Silly rabbit with emphysema, Nicorette gum is for kids!"

Chanhassen man remembers exactly where he was when Kennedy wasn't assassinated
Many people remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when they heard that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963. But Clyde Tipperdaiyle, 96, of Chanhassen, is unique. He remembers exactly where he was every moment that Kennedy wasn't assassinated. "Oh yes, I remember it like it was yesterday," said Tipperdaiyle. He then recounted every moment that had ever happened to him since his first memory, which was of playing jacks with his older sister Barbara in 1911. Tipperdaiyle made sure to leave a dramatic pause between 1:30 and 1:32 PM on November 22, 1963, before continuing his memory of driving to Mankato that Friday afternoon.

Student Accidentally TPs Own House

2005-10-13T21:41:00.000-05:00

Homecoming has always been one of Chaska’s biggest and/or greatest traditions, with homecoming royalty being crowned, a good old-fashioned beatdown on the football field (a tradition which seems to have died out recently), the excessive drinking, and the always timely, never tiresome tradition of TPing.

Every year, each generation of seniors competes to see who can “get” juniors and freshmores the "best" with an absurd amount of wasted toilet paper that causes minutes worth of cleaning to each house that is hit. It's reportedly "a huge diss" to wake up to find your trees covered in biodegradable toilet paper. And that was exactly Willy Mansfield’s (12) plan.

“My plan was to leave my house at around 11:30 pm after a night of slamming back beers, drive to this freshmore's house, TP him, then TP two juniors and get home by 12.” said Mansfield.

But Mansfield’s plan took a turn for the worse when he suddenly drove into a thick fog. He quickly became disoriented and spend 20 minutes trying to find his first target. Once he found it he quickly covered the front tree completely in toilet paper. He stuck some forks in the grass for good measure then sped away, laughing all the way home.

“Oh damn, I got that bastard good,” Mansfield later recalled.

But Mansfield was very tired so he headed straight home and went to bed at around 1:30. He awoke the sound of his mother yelling at him telling him to “clean up that shit in our tree." As Mansfield cleaned up the TP mess, a revelation hit him.

“I... I guess I TPed my own house. Maybe it was because I was so wasted,” Mansfield realized. “I thought it was strange that the house I TPed had the same address as mine. At the time I thought it was just a coincidence.”

HOROSCOPES (Oct 13th)

2005-10-13T17:10:00.000-05:00

Librorpiotaricornius (Sep. 23 - Feb. 18):
You're cheap, and your style of clothing shows it.

Piscariaurini (Feb. 19 - Jun. 21):
Your parents bought all your friends.

Virgleoncer (Jun. 22 - Sep. 22):
You're responsible for Subway taking away their stamps. Damn you!

Poetry rejected by FDA

2005-10-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

Poetry, a controversial treatment for mental disorders, failed to pass rigorous FDA testing needed to become prescribed by doctors. The substance was long thought to be a possible treatment for depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder.

"We had expected this result from the beginning," said acting FDA Commissioner Dr. Lester M. Crawford. "But we made sure to stick with our strict double-blind study to confirm our data. We didn't want institutional bias entering in here."

Poetry, which has long had its origin in the mentally unstable segment of the population, was seen as a possible salve for mental illnesses. But the study, in which randomly selected subjects were either given real poetry written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge or "placebo poetry" taken off of MySpace, Xanga, and LiveJournal sites of random 13-year-old girls, confirmed what many critical of poetry treatment had feared. Poetry cured 23% of mental illness patients compared to 17% cured in the control group. But, according to the FDA, poetry rendered its users "assholes" and "totally gay."

"The FDA cannot stand behind a treatment that turns people into pompous, retarded jerks," said lead FDA investigator Dr. Charles M. McKnight. "This panel unanimously rejects poetry as a treatment for mental illness."

While members in the poetry group were cured of their mental illness at a negligibly higher rate, members in the control group fared even worse than mental illness patients in the general population. Forced to read the bad internet poetry of young teenage girls, 73% suffered self-inflicted injuries and 21% committed suicide during the six-month study.

Anonymous Authors Accused Of Making Up Stories

2005-10-12T19:38:00.000-05:00

A Counterpoint

The staff of the Hawk Lemon has recently been accused of making up stories and publishing them as fact. This accusation is uncalled for because here at the Hawk Lemon, we run in-depth background checks on all of our staff and double check their sources. If people are going to spout false accusations, we at the Hawk Lemon subtly point our fingers at the "Chaska Hawk Jr. Lemon II".

Prisoners Escape Sahara Prison

2005-10-12T19:26:00.000-05:00

Matthew McConaughey is on the case
Early Tuesday morning, an earthquake measured at 6.08 on the Richter scale struck the Sahara, destroying the southern wall of Sahara's highest security prison. When asked why he did it, the earthquake said, "I just wanted to shake things up."

Somewhere between two and 13 prisoners escaped the complex. Out to retrieve them is none other than the desert expert, Mathew McConaughey. McCounaughey is using this job as a way to prepare for his upcoming movie Sahara 2: The Curse of the Sandy Pearl.

Ninja Attack At Local Theater

2005-10-12T19:16:00.000-05:00

There may be kunai in your popcorn
A recent rash of ninja attacks agains Five Star Cinema employees has recently been reported. As unexpected and anachronistic as this sounds, we assure you that it's completely true. The ninja are attacking the facility over the complaint that the cinema din't get the movie The Greatest Game Ever Played the weekend that it opened (so they went to AMC and had to pay).

When asked how bad the conditions were, employee Gerorge Binaka shuddered and said, "It's terrible. Customers laugh when they hear people in the back room yell 'Arrrgh! Ninjas!' They think it's a joke. But it's not. I've lost three of my friends in the past--"

We weren't able to get the rest of the statement because a kunai flew into George Binaka's neck and he fell into the popcorn bin. So as a warning, there may be kunai in your popcorn.

HOROSCOPES

2005-10-12T19:10:00.000-05:00

LIBRORPIOTARICORNIUS
The sky is blue today... no thanks to you.

PISCARIAURINI
Congrats on getting lucky last weekend! Too bad the condom broke.

VIRGLEONCER
You've got the type of charm that gets you special treatment, so use what you have... you whore.

Entire Homecoming Crowd Drunk, High

2005-10-12T10:24:00.000-05:00

CAP's worst fears realized

Members of Chaska High School's Chemical Awareness Program were shocked to find that their warnings had gone unheeded when over 5,000 fans were arrested for public drunkenness and illegal possession of controlled substances at the Chaska Homecoming game Friday night.

Junior Anthony Revoir, a member of CAP, said, "I'm just speechless. All those posters we put up... nothing. The one night of the year we ask people not to drink or do drugs, and they do it anyway."

Revoir continued, saying, "I swear, it's like they were doing it just to spite us. Every single person in attendance was on some kind of mind-altering drug. Parents, kids, everyone. I couldn't believe it, but then, I was pretty buzzed myself."

The Chaska Police were forced to bring in hundreds of extra vehicles to transport the passed/spaced-out crowd to the county jail for the night. One officer described the scene at the game as "utterly absurd... unlike anything I've ever seen." He added, "If I hadn't been there, I'd think it was some kind of joke."

POLL: Homecoming

2005-10-12T10:17:00.000-05:00

In the wake of a recent slew of messages warning students not to drink and to be safe during homecoming week, the Hawk Lemon has asked: Will you be drinking at or after the Chaska High School Homecoming game?

95% - yes
5% - yes

Chaska man breaks historic internet mark

2005-10-11T19:21:00.000-05:00

Larry Hughes, 26, of Chaska set a historic internet benchmark last Tuesday when he became the one millionth visitor to popular website AskJeeves.com. Hughes filled out a short questionnaire to become eligible for an undisclosed prize.

Above: Hughes's record-setting message.

"It's amazing. I've never won anything before," said Hughes, obviously elated. "I just clicked onto AskJeeves as usual, and there it was, a popup informing me that I was the millionth visitor. I never thought something like this would happen to me!"

Hughes credits to good fortune to be the millionth visitor to such a popular website.

"Oh, it was definately good luck, but I think it had a little to do with Karma," Hughes said Wednesday. "I feel like I'm always giving, always doing things for other people, and this is just a case of 'What goes around comes around,' you know what I mean?"

Friends say that Hughes can't wait to receive his reward.

"God, I hope it comes soon," said Hughes. "And to think, I only had to submit my name, telephone number, address, mother's maiden name, Social Security number, and bank and credit information to become eligible for the grand prize!"

Opinion: The whole 'your mom' thing is very disrespectful

2005-10-11T18:59:00.000-05:00

Your Mom,
Staff Columnist

I know you kids think you're hip with all this new lingo you've got. I'm not quite "down" with all these words, but I know an insult when I see one. And all of those blasted hooligans who go around saying, "Your mom" are about as disrespectful as it gets.

When I was your age, if I so much as said a word of backtalk to my parents, I'd be slapped across the backside. Most of you disrespectful hoodlums could use some good ol'fashioned whoopins like they used to give us. Back in the old days, children were to be seen, not heard. You're lucky I don't come up there and slap you around for all the backsass I get.

Unlike you devil-children of today, I was brought up in a generation that respected its elders. If one of us dared to speak before spoken to, or heaven forbid, contradict our parents, we'd be sorry. And there weren't any pansy "timeouts" back then either. Punishment was a yardstick to the ass.

I remember when it was acceptable for parents to smack their kids. My generation would be happy to instill the love of God into you cocky, pants-too-low, disrespectful, skateboarding, video-game playing, mother-insulting savages you call teenagers these days.

I'd better not catch you saying, "Your mom" anytime soon, or I will beat the living shit out of you.

Now clean your room.

Area mom double-clicks everything

2005-10-06T15:47:00.000-05:00

Teresa Murray of Chaska, a 43-year-old mother of two, isn't your average computer nerd. The self-described soccer mom spends most days shuttling her children, Devin (13) and Madison (11), to school, soccer practice, and piano lessons. Yet she still finds time -- several hours of it each day -- to sit in front of the home computer.

"Ever since the kids started going to school, I've been looking for something to do at home to pass the time," Murray said. "My husband bought us a computer, and now I've finally found it."

Murray spends hours each day reading her email, visiting shopping websites, and checking her childrens' grades on the internet.

Only one problem: She double-clicks everything.

"God, it's infuriating," said her husband Mark, a patent attorney. "Jesus, when I got my computer at work, I figured out the whole 'link vs. icon' thing in like two seconds. I don't double-click every freakin' link on the internet."

Murray's friends agree.

"Teresa is a very nice person," said Beatrice Miller, who serves on the Chaska Elementary PTA with Murray. "But seriously, how long does it take to understand that underlined items only need one click, while icons require two in rapid succession?"

It's gotten so bad that Murray's husband has considered taking the computer away.

"Yes, I have thought about that," he admitted. "I don't want to be seen as the bad guy here, but I do think that something has to be done. Also, there's also a shitload of spyware on that thing. Apparently, she double-clicks all the fake Windows warning message ads, too."

METAPOST: Commenting

2005-10-06T15:01:00.000-05:00

Metaposts, for those who may not know, are posts that deal with the blog itself rather than, say, newsy-type articles.

The actual subject of this post, though, is that the comments section has been opened to anonymous users. You no longer have to register with Blogger to tell us how awesome we are. We would appreciate it if you "anonymous" types left your names, but it's optional.

We probably won't delete your comment unless it's spam (or irritating trolling), so feel free to share your thoughts.

That's it.

Local pitcher flirts with twelve-hitter

2005-10-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

Local pitcher Brandon McCormack, who plays for the Chanhassen American Legion team, came just outs away from throwing a rare twelve-hitter Friday. Chanhassen lost the game 4-3 to rival Victoria.

"When I took the mound in the ninth, I'd be kidding you if I said I didn't know what was going on," McCormack said. "Games like that are pretty special. I know I'll be thinking about that ninth inning for a long time to come."

After the first Victoria batter grounded out to second, slugger Mark Smithson broke up McCormack's bid for his first career twelve-hitter with a sharp double down the third-base line.

"After I got the first guy to ground out, I was feeling pretty good. But Smithson's a good hitter, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, especially with the twelve-hitter going. As soon as I let go of that pitch, I wanted to take it back," McCormack said following the game. "I knew I had a chance for that twelve-hitter, but when you make a mistake pitch to a good hitter like Smithson, you get burned."

McCormack gave up a walkoff two-run homer to the next hitter.

But Chanhassen manager Frank Tenenbaum commended McCormack's effort in the postgame press conference.

"He went out there and battled his tail off. I probably should have taken him out after the eighth, but I knew the kid really wanted to finish it and notch his first twelve-hitter. Who can blame him?"

Super Senior Contemplates Becoming Super Duper Senior

2005-10-03T21:25:00.000-05:00

Jerry Spleenfeld first became one of the "popular kids" when he gave two kids simultaneous swirlies in the 6th grade. He has been a part of that clique ever since. Jerry has done whatever he could to stay popular .

“I would talk while the teacher was talking, not do my homework, get constantly drunk, and of course--most importantly--have unprotected sex.”

But after he failed his Economics class for the second time senior year, he realized that the best way to stay popular again was to take it again, as a SUPER SENIOR! In his fifth year of high school Spleenfeld, it was widely agreed, was the most popular kid at CHS.

“I was so popular I would have to beat women off with a stick. Which I would do, just to prove how cool I was,” Spleenfeld said.

After failing Economics three times his fifth year, Jerry thought his “cool” level was dropping, even though he'd gotten his highest grade ever, a B+ in Practical Arts VI. That’s when the never done before idea of the Super Duper Senior hit him. Another benefit to Jerry was that his girlfriend would be a sophomore next year.

As cool as the fifth year of high school was, nothing would compare to his sixth year.

“I mean c’mon! My sex factor would go from 12 to 13... out of 16, of course.”

When asked about his plans for life, and why he wouldn't just get a GED, Jerry responded, “Class of 05, 06 and 07 rules! I don't need a G.E.D. Those are for morons!”

Yes, Jerry. Yes they are.

Key Club member secretly envies DECA

2005-10-03T17:57:00.000-05:00

Jennifer Thomas, a Chaska High School sophomore, has secretly envied DECA since joining Key Club earlier this year.

Key Club is a service-oriented organization in which students volunteer their time to help keep CHS and the community clean. DECA is a business club that specializes in teaching members how to make effective presentations.

For Thomas, the decision to join Key Club in the first place was a tough one.

"I really wanted to be in DECA, but I just couldn't fit in the required business class. Key Club seemed like a perfectly reasonable alternative at the time."

But now Thomas isn't so sure.

"Don't get me wrong, [Key Club] is fine. It looks nice on my resume and everything. But a fifty-dollar activity fee to pick up some garbage after football games? Give me a break."

Thomas says that she knows other Key Club members go through the same feelings.

"Around here, if anyone in Key Club expresses even the slightest interest in DECA, they're shunned. You kind of turn inward. But I know that other Key Club members have to be attracted to the mystique of effective presentations and the allure of formal business attire."

Thomas was recently referred to high school therapist Jean Mattigan, who likened the sophomore's envy to other psychologically-troubling situations.

"If a child is beaten by her father and neglected by her mother, who will the child love more? The mother. Does this mean that the mother's a good parent? Obviously not. Jennifer's been in a tough situation recently, and we have to assume it's another case of a good kid turned bad by Key Club.

"There's no way Jennifer actually likes DECA," Mattigan reiterated. "No one actually likes DECA."

Young Democrats, Republicans hold lively debate

2005-10-03T17:22:00.000-05:00

Chaska High School's rival political organizations, the Young Democrats and the Young Republicans, met Sunday for a school-sponsored debate covering the war in Iraq. Each club had previously selected one member to debate the issue head-to-head with a member of the opposing club.

The political fireworks started early when the Democratic debater, Laura Smith (11) , decried President Bush's, "Tax cuts for the rich to pay off his illegal wars."

Despite objections from the appointed mediator of the event, the Republican debater, Kyle Davis (12), responded, "Taxes wouldn't be so high in the first place if the lazy-ass homeless would just get a job and stop asking for government handouts."

After taking a few moments to settle down the crowd after the heated exchange, Smith - the Democrat - continued.

"We cannot let King George Bush the Second continue his tyrannical reign of trampling on American civil liberties while conducting illegal wars. He has circumvented the American justice system using the unconstitutional Patroit Act, and his crew of lying liars will continue lying until they're impeached, and rightfully so. Impeach Bush! No war for oil!"

Following a three-minute cooldown for the debaters and the crowd, Davis - the Republican - was given the floor.

"We can't let the Democrats continue to threaten the security of our country with their immoral dissent. God wants this country to be great, and every time we kick some other puny country's ass that's reaffirmed. The terrorists want to kill each and every one of us, and it's our job to wipe them off the face of this earth before they do. That's why this is the best goddamn country in the world. God bless America!"

Student reaction to the debate was mixed. Peter Jorgenson (10), thought that both debaters did an excellent job reaching out to people in the middle.

"When it comes right down to it," Jorgenson said, "I'm not sure who I agree with. The Democrat used lots of fancy words, but the Republican was easy to understand and yelled louder. I'm pretty sure it's cooler to be a Republican at this school, so that's probably how I'll vote."

POLL: Summer Lovin'

2005-10-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

The Hawk Lemon asked CHS students how they spent the last night of summer vacation. Here's how they responded:

73% - drunk
26% - hung over
1% - hospitalized

POLL: Purple house money

2005-10-03T10:13:00.000-05:00

Some students have claimed that the purple house was "not the best" use of school funds. What would you have chosen to spend the money on?

51% - chewing tobacco in Quick Pick
38% - open bar in each house
10% - condoms
1% - "Snap-On" tools

Horoscopes (Week One)

2005-10-03T10:05:00.000-05:00

YOUR UNQUESTIONABLE, UNERRING FUTURE

Librorpiotaricornius (Sep. 23 - Feb. 18) - This week is lucky for you. Feel free to show up to class drunk!
Piscariaurini (Feb. 19 - Jun. 21) - Your friends all secretly hate you. It's true!
Virgleoncer (Jun. 22 - Sep. 22) - You will contract terminal cancer this week. Or not. Who knows?

Poll: CHS Handbook would be taken more seriously if it weren't so freakin' hilarious

2005-10-03T07:34:00.000-05:00

A randomized survey of sixteen CHS students found that the CHS Student Handbook would be taken more seriously if it weren't so freakin' hilarious. The notoriously rulesy handbook contains a hilarious provision for unsupervised gymnastics, among other things.

EPHS Senior: Chaska Football Fans Tacky in Defeat

2005-10-03T00:30:00.000-05:00

Jason Thompson, a senior at Eden Prairie High School, went on a diatribe against Chaska High School fans following Friday night's game.

"Come on. [Eden Prairie] blew them out. The game wasn't even close, yet the [Chaska] fans stood the whole game, cheered loudly, and sometimes even chanted 'overrated.' They even rushed the field when it was over like they had actually won or something. We all know there's no way in hell they could ever beat EP. It's a sad day when fans of an inferior team have to pretend that they won just to feel good about themselves."

Chaska won the game 10-7 on an overtime field goal by sophomore Alex Valeski.

But on Saturday morning, Thompson stood by his comments.

"Listen, I know it's hard to be a part of a losing program like Chaska's has been for so long, but that doesn't make it acceptable to pretend you beat number-one rated Eden Prairie. It's just so tasteless to rush the field like you just pulled a huge upset, and for the players and coaches to go along, it's just sad."

When confronted with the Star Tribune's box score and game recap of Friday night's contest, Thompson backtracked.

"I may have been thinking of last year," he conceded. "Also, I really wasn't watching the game, I just kind of assumed we were blowing them out like usual. And I have to admit that I was hitting the bottle a little hard that night. That, and the fact that I was on my cell phone the whole game, are probably why I thought it was last year."

But he wanted to reinforce that the sentiments behind his original statement were still accurate.

"We can't go around proclaiming Chaska the 'winner' of this game simply because they scored more points in these specific time constraints of play," Thompson reasoned. "That's dangerous thinking. Using that same logic, it's even possible to declare the Boston Red Sox last year's World Series champions."

HOLY CRAP THERE'S A NEW HOUSE

2005-10-02T19:39:00.000-05:00

AND IT'S PURPLE

"Ohmygodguysdidyouhear? There's. A. New. House. Oh. My. God."

Yes, on August 6, many Chaska students were amazed to discover that there is, in fact, a new house. Some were so surprised that they felt compelled to rush out and write articles about it. Others sat down and wrote articles about it. Still others felt that the new house simply demanded that articles be written about it.

The new house has a purple color scheme. Also, it is popularly referred to as "the purple house". Chaska's best thinkers have recently theorized that the name might have something to do with the color. When reached for comment, one student had this to say.

"Well, seeing as the house is purple, it would make sense to call it the purple house. As purple is present in both the name and the color of the house, which is purple, logically the house that is purple should be called the purple house, referring to its purple color as well as its status as a house."

PRO-POSITIVE ROUSING SCHOOL SPIRIT ENJOYMENT TIME

2005-10-02T19:38:00.001-05:00

SUPPORT THE FOOTBALL TEAM OR YOU'RE AN EVIL NAZI

At Chaska High School, attendance at Pep Fests is mandatory. This is not a new rule, but with another forced rouser being held on Friday, Sept. 30, we at the Hawk Lemon have decided, for old times' sake, to once again Laugh At The Ridiculous Rules. There's not that much to say that hasn't already been said about the idea of a school making a point to note that it forces its students to (at least) pretend they have school spirit. However, we did have the opportunity to interview local Nazi Hans Deutschlandüberalles. Here's what he had to say.

"I am in a bit of a bind, you see. As an antiquated fascist, I must say that this Pep Fest rule is in keeping with mein personal philosophy. However, as a Nazi, I also hate the football team. It is quite tough, you see?"

There is no word on whether Hans himself will attend the Pep Fest. Possibly complicating the situation is the fact that he is an unemployed 35-year-old who really has no business being at a high school.

UPDATE: We at the Hawk Lemon must now break from our cynical façades to stop and, in all seriousness, give massive props to the Chaska football team for their 10-7 victory over "#1" Eden Prairie. Way to go, guys. No one saw it coming. You've earned our respect.

HURRICANE QUAMOCLIT STRIKES MOON COLONY

2005-10-02T19:38:00.000-05:00

FROM OUR WEATHERMAN TO YOU

On Wednesday the 33rd, Hurricane Quamoclit struck moon colony Earth II. Quamoclit was a category 13 hurricane, the largest ever recorded... EVER!!!111!7. Quamoclit destroyed Earth II at 7:00 pm. The moon colony never received a warning that Quamoclit was coming because it was home to mutant human-ant creatures.

Sadly, there were no survivors. The mutants' owner is, reportedly, quite happy, because he no longer has to send ninja assasins to kill them.

(adapted)

LOCAL SCHOOL NEWSPAPER ACCUSED OF REPEATING STORIES

2005-10-02T19:37:00.000-05:00

A local student-produced newspaper has recently come under fire based on accusations of "stuffing" its pages with repetetive, vapid stories. After reading two stories relating to the exact same topic, many students feel "fed up" with the low quality of the content. A significant number of students have begun to search for an alternative news source.

LOCAL PARODY NEWSPAPER ALSO ACCUSED OF REPEATING STORIES

2005-10-02T19:36:00.000-05:00

HAWK HERALD TO GOES THROUGH MORE EDITING

2005-10-02T19:35:00.001-05:00

PAPER SCOOPS COMPETITOR ON STORY ABOUT SELF, DONATES STORY TO COMPETITOR

After many errors has been found by many students and staff, many changes are being made by many Hawk Hereld writers and editors.

"It's getting rediculous," said one senior. "I mean, last year, they spelled 'Republican' as 'Rebulican'."

However, a senior from last year's journalism class, doesn't, see a problem.

"Only the grammer freaks really care" he said. "I mean, it's not like we write like we talk."

I mean, staff and teachers are also noticing, problems by journalism students.

"If the Herald was an assignment, I'd give it a 'D-'," said, one english teacher.

Problems are even being noticed by Hall Monitors, one of who gave us this quote under condition of anonymity.

"capitalization mistakes, spelling-errors, incorrect word usage, horribly passive sentences, poor-hyphen usage, excessive commas... I'm just a hall monitor, but jeez, come on."

Journalism teachers are defending, there reporters, but agree that changes need to be made by them.

"We need to go through a better editing process," said the Journalism Teacher. "Passive sentences need to be cut down on. We need to use spell-check and make sure our quotation mark usage is correct.

Courtesy of the Hawk Herald

"FRESHMORES ARE PUSSIES," SAYS SENIOR

2005-10-02T19:35:00.000-05:00

WE INVESTIGATE THE VALIDITY OF THIS CLAIM

A local high school senior has made the rather dubious claim that sophomores resemble female sexual organs (the original quote, of course, used unprintable teenage colloquialisms). The staff of the Hawk Lemon set its Expert Research Panel on the problem. After long, arduous minutes of research, the panel concluded that the claim was "somewhat true", but also found that the senior was a "big douche".

NOT-SO-BREAKING NEWS

2005-10-02T19:30:00.000-05:00

I'll try to get as many articles up tonight as possible. We won't be looking at a print version until at least Wednesday, unfortunately. >_< I know you're all terribly crushed.

BREAKING NEWS

2005-09-30T11:09:00.000-05:00

Saluton! Everyone's favorite alternative school newspaper now has a blog doppelganger. This blog should be regularly updated with Hawk Lemon articles. Bon appetit.