METAPOST: We'll bury your hatchet!

On behalf of myself, I'd like to welcome me, as well as the rest of the Hawk Lemon staff, back from a disgustingly long hiatus that put our good name to shame. As the editor-in-chief, I feel particularly guilty for not posting in approximately 61727159534 years.

So. What's in the works for the Hawk Lemon, you ask? Don't lie, I heard you.

First, we'll be returning with reasonably regularly-updated content fairly soon. We can't prove that we're better than the "real" school paper if we don't put out any work.

Second, we're accepting submissions from new authors. Contact the editor-in-chief (i.e. me) with a sample of your writing. If we like what we see, you'll be given the opportunity to write articles. Unlike the Herald, however, we insist on quality spelling and grammar. If you need help, or want a peer review (preferably before you post your article), you'll be able to contact Andrew or me for editing.

Third, you may have noticed my quote in a recent Herald article that incoherently discussed complaints about... the Herald. (The article, by the way, simultaneously covered and exemplified common complaints. Ironic, no?) What I said stands, not only as my opinion, but as an offer extended to all Hawk Herald writers: If you think your articles/ideas have been censored due to unfair restrictions, contact a Hawk Lemon editor. If the editorial board determines your work to be of sufficient quality, we'll be more than happy to publish it, because Fighting The Power is our middle name. (Our parents were hippies.)

Finally, after consultation with our legal department, this paragraph has been removed. It's strictly parody and satire for us.

And that, my friends, is how we roll. Just in case you missed it before: INTERESTEED AUTHORS, TALK TO ANDREW HART OR ROB CARSON AT SCHOOL.

High School Drunkenness

Dead Horse Found "Surprisingly Beatable"

...just kidding.

Poll: Article topics

The Hawk Lemon asked: Do you think that the Hawk Lemon runs too many stories on high school drinking?

6% - yes
35% - no
59% - were comatose

Hick decries Ford

Last Thursday, in an exclusive interview with the Hawk Lemon, local hick Jed Cloquist, a senior, gave an extremely poor review of the Ford Motor Company and its products.

When asked his opinion on Ford trucks, Cloquist immediately yelled, "Ford trucks? More like Gay Trucks!"

A debate has raged for years in the redneck community about the superiority of various brands of truck. Chevrolet, a division of General Motors, has gained a large following, evidently including Mr. Cloquist. Ford Motor Company, however, which also produces such non-hick automobile brands as Jaguar, Volvo, and Aston Martin, has earned Cloquist's ire.

Said Cloquist, "Man, t'other night, I was out drivin' home from my buddy's house drunk, when my old F-250 done slammed into a tree. Sumbitch done broke in half lengthwise. Let me tell you, I was done with Ford from then on."

Cloquist has recently purchased a new Chevrolet Silverado, which he noted is "way better" than "that gay-ass Ford crap".

He added, "I drove home drunk three, maybe four times since then and the truck hasn't even been scratched."

Entire Homecoming Crowd Drunk, High

CAP's worst fears realized

Members of Chaska High School's Chemical Awareness Program were shocked to find that their warnings had gone unheeded when over 5,000 fans were arrested for public drunkenness and illegal possession of controlled substances at the Chaska Homecoming game Friday night.

Junior Anthony Revoir, a member of CAP, said, "I'm just speechless. All those posters we put up... nothing. The one night of the year we ask people not to drink or do drugs, and they do it anyway."

Revoir continued, saying, "I swear, it's like they were doing it just to spite us. Every single person in attendance was on some kind of mind-altering drug. Parents, kids, everyone. I couldn't believe it, but then, I was pretty buzzed myself."

The Chaska Police were forced to bring in hundreds of extra vehicles to transport the passed/spaced-out crowd to the county jail for the night. One officer described the scene at the game as "utterly absurd... unlike anything I've ever seen." He added, "If I hadn't been there, I'd think it was some kind of joke."

POLL: Homecoming

In the wake of a recent slew of messages warning students not to drink and to be safe during homecoming week, the Hawk Lemon has asked: Will you be drinking at or after the Chaska High School Homecoming game?

95% - yes
5% - yes

METAPOST: Commenting

Metaposts, for those who may not know, are posts that deal with the blog itself rather than, say, newsy-type articles.

The actual subject of this post, though, is that the comments section has been opened to anonymous users. You no longer have to register with Blogger to tell us how awesome we are. We would appreciate it if you "anonymous" types left your names, but it's optional.

We probably won't delete your comment unless it's spam (or irritating trolling), so feel free to share your thoughts.

That's it.

POLL: Summer Lovin'

The Hawk Lemon asked CHS students how they spent the last night of summer vacation. Here's how they responded:

73% - drunk
26% - hung over
1% - hospitalized

POLL: Purple house money

Some students have claimed that the purple house was "not the best" use of school funds. What would you have chosen to spend the money on?

51% - chewing tobacco in Quick Pick
38% - open bar in each house
10% - condoms
1% - "Snap-On" tools

Horoscopes (Week One)

YOUR UNQUESTIONABLE, UNERRING FUTURE

Librorpiotaricornius (Sep. 23 - Feb. 18) - This week is lucky for you. Feel free to show up to class drunk!
Piscariaurini (Feb. 19 - Jun. 21) - Your friends all secretly hate you. It's true!
Virgleoncer (Jun. 22 - Sep. 22) - You will contract terminal cancer this week. Or not. Who knows?

HOLY CRAP THERE'S A NEW HOUSE

AND IT'S PURPLE

"Ohmygodguysdidyouhear? There's. A. New. House. Oh. My. God."

Yes, on August 6, many Chaska students were amazed to discover that there is, in fact, a new house. Some were so surprised that they felt compelled to rush out and write articles about it. Others sat down and wrote articles about it. Still others felt that the new house simply demanded that articles be written about it.

The new house has a purple color scheme. Also, it is popularly referred to as "the purple house". Chaska's best thinkers have recently theorized that the name might have something to do with the color. When reached for comment, one student had this to say.

"Well, seeing as the house is purple, it would make sense to call it the purple house. As purple is present in both the name and the color of the house, which is purple, logically the house that is purple should be called the purple house, referring to its purple color as well as its status as a house."

PRO-POSITIVE ROUSING SCHOOL SPIRIT ENJOYMENT TIME

SUPPORT THE FOOTBALL TEAM OR YOU'RE AN EVIL NAZI

At Chaska High School, attendance at Pep Fests is mandatory. This is not a new rule, but with another forced rouser being held on Friday, Sept. 30, we at the Hawk Lemon have decided, for old times' sake, to once again Laugh At The Ridiculous Rules. There's not that much to say that hasn't already been said about the idea of a school making a point to note that it forces its students to (at least) pretend they have school spirit. However, we did have the opportunity to interview local Nazi Hans Deutschlandüberalles. Here's what he had to say.

"I am in a bit of a bind, you see. As an antiquated fascist, I must say that this Pep Fest rule is in keeping with mein personal philosophy. However, as a Nazi, I also hate the football team. It is quite tough, you see?"

There is no word on whether Hans himself will attend the Pep Fest. Possibly complicating the situation is the fact that he is an unemployed 35-year-old who really has no business being at a high school.

UPDATE: We at the Hawk Lemon must now break from our cynical façades to stop and, in all seriousness, give massive props to the Chaska football team for their 10-7 victory over "#1" Eden Prairie. Way to go, guys. No one saw it coming. You've earned our respect.

HURRICANE QUAMOCLIT STRIKES MOON COLONY

FROM OUR WEATHERMAN TO YOU

On Wednesday the 33rd, Hurricane Quamoclit struck moon colony Earth II. Quamoclit was a category 13 hurricane, the largest ever recorded... EVER!!!111!7. Quamoclit destroyed Earth II at 7:00 pm. The moon colony never received a warning that Quamoclit was coming because it was home to mutant human-ant creatures.

Sadly, there were no survivors. The mutants' owner is, reportedly, quite happy, because he no longer has to send ninja assasins to kill them.

(adapted)

LOCAL SCHOOL NEWSPAPER ACCUSED OF REPEATING STORIES

A local student-produced newspaper has recently come under fire based on accusations of "stuffing" its pages with repetetive, vapid stories. After reading two stories relating to the exact same topic, many students feel "fed up" with the low quality of the content. A significant number of students have begun to search for an alternative news source.

LOCAL PARODY NEWSPAPER ALSO ACCUSED OF REPEATING STORIES

A local student-produced newspaper has recently come under fire based on accusations of "stuffing" its pages with repetetive, vapid stories. After reading two stories relating to the exact same topic, many students feel "fed up" with the low quality of the content. A significant number of students have begun to search for an alternative news source.

HAWK HERALD TO GOES THROUGH MORE EDITING

PAPER SCOOPS COMPETITOR ON STORY ABOUT SELF, DONATES STORY TO COMPETITOR

After many errors has been found by many students and staff, many changes are being made by many Hawk Hereld writers and editors.

"It's getting rediculous," said one senior. "I mean, last year, they spelled 'Republican' as 'Rebulican'."

However, a senior from last year's journalism class, doesn't, see a problem.

"Only the grammer freaks really care" he said. "I mean, it's not like we write like we talk."

I mean, staff and teachers are also noticing, problems by journalism students.

"If the Herald was an assignment, I'd give it a 'D-'," said, one english teacher.

Problems are even being noticed by Hall Monitors, one of who gave us this quote under condition of anonymity.

"capitalization mistakes, spelling-errors, incorrect word usage, horribly passive sentences, poor-hyphen usage, excessive commas... I'm just a hall monitor, but jeez, come on."

Journalism teachers are defending, there reporters, but agree that changes need to be made by them.

"We need to go through a better editing process," said the Journalism Teacher. "Passive sentences need to be cut down on. We need to use spell-check and make sure our quotation mark usage is correct.

Courtesy of the Hawk Herald

"FRESHMORES ARE PUSSIES," SAYS SENIOR

WE INVESTIGATE THE VALIDITY OF THIS CLAIM

A local high school senior has made the rather dubious claim that sophomores resemble female sexual organs (the original quote, of course, used unprintable teenage colloquialisms). The staff of the Hawk Lemon set its Expert Research Panel on the problem. After long, arduous minutes of research, the panel concluded that the claim was "somewhat true", but also found that the senior was a "big douche".

NOT-SO-BREAKING NEWS

I'll try to get as many articles up tonight as possible. We won't be looking at a print version until at least Wednesday, unfortunately. >_< I know you're all terribly crushed.